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First game of the season (or the pre season.) What a glorious day in Newcastle. Lads assembled eager for the off. However, due to what can only be described as an ambitious piece of fixture scheduling, we were playing Guisborough CC in N.Yorks. This is 65 miles away. One of the great things about today was that I was not captain, as this was a Club XI and charge was handed over to 1^st XI skipper, Niall Penfold. Not having to captain a side is one of my rare pleasures these days, (so long as I still get to field slip,) with no running around chasing players, paying teas, scorers or tactical tomfoolery to worry about. In a moment of total predictability we were hit by a cry off at 9:30 the previous evening (via text!) from our opening batter, and due to the travel time etc nobody was really that keen to fill the void – how I laughed. So, it was with a slightly weakened X that the lads departed NE1 at 11:20 am. (I had business to attend to down there so had departed at 9:30am.)

The departure had not been without it’s hiccups, principally how to get 10 bodies and 9 bags of kit into 2 Ford Fiestas and a Vauxhall Corsa. I had pondered this potential problem as I cruised down the A19 in an extremely spacious VW Golf that morning. I am reliably informed that our scorer may have travelled in the boot of the Corsa. 

To be honest, I think that the real excitement of a pre season game isn’t about the cricket itself, more it’s about getting back in the dressing room with the lads and enjoying the banter. In the midst of the Andy Gray/Richard Keys storm last month I pointed out that a hidden microphone in our home dressing room could have some fairly serious repercussions for unemployment levels in the Newcastle area. It’s a fairly merciless place, as our young left arm fast bowler Mark Cryer will attest. Mark has found himself at the centre of an identity theft storm at university. Whilst Mark’s bowling can not be said to lack penetration, the same observation could not be levelled at him personally. Until now (apparently.) Mark has a girlfriend at Uni (allegedly.) Strong suspicion in our changing room abounds that what Mark actually has is access to Facebook, a Photoshop app and a lot of free time. Thus a great deal of time was spent in the dressing room interrogating the young man to try and validate his claims. To date the jury is still out.

However, if this fictional girl were in fact real there would be no doubt that Mark Cryer is a member of the Newcastle Cricket Club Overachievers. At our club we seem to have a large amount of players whose girlfriends are far far more attractive than they are. I’m not naming names here but Alex Nicholson, Toby Howd, James Davidson, Ross McLaren and Peter Hirst are all members. This takes up a lot of discussion within the dressing room also, with the Overachievers protesting their innocence in the face of overwhelming visual evidence to the contrary.

And these are just some of the strange conversations that take place in our dressing room. Others have included ‘If you had to pick a golf club to use a in a fight, which would you use?’ This is obviously troubling, and indicative of a certain dark type of personality within the club.  (For the record, I went 6 iron – solid middle of the road with good reach.) There are obviously far more traditional conversations mainly based on past glories of the protagonists (often such glories are not limited to the cricket pitch, though in these instances the term ‘glory’ can often be misleading. I am talking to you on this one, Mr Penfold.)

So to the game itself. We arrived at Guisborough to a fine welcome where Mr Penfold carefully negotiated a toss – our weakened side meant the best chance of an extended game was with us fielding first. We took the field and the aforementioned identity thief Mark Cryer came charging down the hill first up. The pitch lacked any pace whatsoever but Cryer built a good head of steam up, (frustration can do that) and claimed the prize scalp of the opposition professional. After doing so, he retired to 3^rd man to update his girlfriend’s Facebook status. Dan Humble aka Gok Wan bowled his little seamers from the other end and Guisborough started very slowly. A change in the scoring pattern was achieved via our bowling changes. Peter Hirst came on for Cryer and explored the middle of the pitch in a sustained spell of hostility. The batsmen in turn explored the middle of the adjacent housing estate. Our young off spinner was also receiving similar treatment, and Niall Penfold injured himself in trying to stop an exocet and had to leave the field. All of a sudden, my idyllic day was shattered as I was captain again. I did what any sensible man would do in such a situation ….. I brought myself on and scattered the field. Runs continued to haemorrhage at the other end as I toiled away eventually finishing with 8-0-34-0, not spectacular but relatively pleasing. Having tried everyone at the other end I threw the ball to debutant Sam Malpass, whose bowling I had only seen in the nets, (it looked like fodder.) At this point my primary concern was blowing the club cricket ball budget in pre season. To everyone’s astonishment including his own Malps picked up 6-0-19-5 which I was adamant was a fabulous piece of captaincy that changed the complexion of the game. Guisborough ended 211-9 off 40 overs.

Our response was ruthlessly efficient. Neil Corby put his dropped catch off my bowling behind him to score a fine 48 and Malpass ensured that expectations on him at NCC are now remarkably high by scoring a 60 ball 73. Others chipped in and a composed 25* from everyones favourite internet pest Mark Cryer saw us home with 3 wickets to spare. All in a good days cricket with fabulous hospitality from our hosts Guisborough CC, our thanks go out to them and we look forward to the return fixture next season, (very much in Newcastle.)

We returned to the club to celebrate a glorious Turret victory. Pizzas were ordered in and beers were consumed. At this point a striking young lady came to the bar while the past glories were in full flow, and walked up to one of our number planting a firm kiss on the lips (this is unacceptable behaviour at HQ.) Once the lads had recovered the composure I was able to offer the following sentence to the young man in question:

“Welcome to the Overachievers Club, Mr Sam Malpass.”