Your Money for Nothing!

Leeds Bradford UCCE v The LCA 

As I sat down to write this blog this week, my twitter feed popped up with a superinjunction taken out against me. This superinjunction prevents me from talking about the karaoke skills and antics of an unnamed former first class cricketer that took place on Monday 23rd May in the Arc pub, Headingley. However, in keeping with the spirit of current events I have decided to ignore said superinjunction (if it's good enough for a Scottish newspaper it's good enough for me) so my commitment to report the facts and events from my LCA debut is unwavering. 

Had quite a busy week cricket wise. Had a game on Saturday against Sunderland, which ended in a spirited draw. We were missing quite a few players (particularly in our bowling attack) and as such quite smashed around the park for 269-4 in 48 overs, at which point SCC declared. We reached 225-4 off 57 overs, and were largely indebted to a simply fantastic 135* from Sam Malpass, who was provided support by our filthy Aussie Matt Caddy, scoring a staunch 46 before being lbw to a ball that kept fiendishly low. I remain to be convinced that the ball wasn't actually going under the stumps. My own performance was compromised by a recurrence of a problem in my left leg, so my 7 overs cost me 37 and my wicket famine is extended to 2 games. Our 1's beat Sunderland, a great result in what was probably our hardest game of the season so far. 

Our weakened side was mainly down to cry offs, the thing any skipper dreads. At our club at the moment we seem to have a culture of mini breaks, and it frustrates the hell out of me. This week for example, I lost 4 players to mini breaks alone. All winter my vice captain, Alex Nicholson was in my ear about how he would play every game this season if I promoted him blah blah blah. 3 games in and he's off to the Heineken Cup. My 'pace' spearhead Peter Hirst had to go to the lakes for his girlfriends dad's birthday (!?) Will Allen missed an entire pre-season to get his wife on side for the league campaign and then missed last week for a mini break and this week for a holiday. Mayhem. (Feel free to abuse the living daylights out of this collection of clowns on Twitter for their massive lack of commitment to our just and righteous cause @alnicho @only1hirsty @whaallen). To be fair I once had a player cry off to de-fragment a hard drive so I suppose a mini break represents progress. 

It is with my hateful attitude to those who cry off that I found myself heading to Leeds on Monday morning in a t-shirt, tracksuit and flip-flops to play for the LCA Invitational XI. My knee left me really struggling, but I didn't feel I could drop the lads in the mire on the eve of the game so figured I would just go down and hide in the field, (only a friendly after all- how serious could it possibly be taken.) I arrived at 9:45 to find the Leeds-Bradford side warming up (!?) Upon meeting our side I learnt that we were slightly less regimented re warm ups but that I was in the presence of some seriously talented cricketers. How the hell was I going to carry this?

Fortunately Richard Logan boosted my confidence by stating that I was the first name on the team sheet. I was waiting for a further assessment based on the quality of my leg spin and cunning variations coupled with my lower order hitting preceded by an assertion he had been following my career for some time. However, it was my blog writing that got me in apparently! I've learnt to take praise in any way, shape or form so took this in my stride. 

Weetwood is a massive, open ground and there was a force 15 hurricane blowing. Several dark clouds were forming and the game looked like it might be truncated. I managed to negotiate a low batting spot and made a plan to secure a tactical bowling deployment. We started ok ish on what looked a pretty slow deck, and manful progress was made until we were 120-5. Special credit to Tom Craddock of Leeds Uni who caught an artillery shell for the students at extra cover from Logan, a ball that would have killed him had he not pouched it. At this point it rained. Horizontally. The covers went on. And were blown off. They went back on. And were blown off again. Such was the wind that the groundsman spent 15 mins trying to fix them before giving up. The students displayed an admirable lack of desire to get back out into the field and the match was called off shortly after an excellent lunch. Plan at this point was to stay for 1 social beer before completing a weary trek north. What then occurred was what could only be described as some psychological warfare with the southern contingent, who were adamant I was staying in Leeds for the evening. I was deadset against this, due to budgetry and sartorial concerns (I refer you to my travelling attire discussed earlier.) Realistically though, everyone in the room knew I would cave and that it was simply a matter of time. 

What followed was a plan was devised that is certain to become a reality TV show in the next few months. Allocating myself a budget of £25, I had to buy jeans and shoes to go out in Leeds in. With the sort of can do attitude that could only be matched by Anneka Rice and the directions to the local Tesco megastore, I was able to secure a pair of trainers (£12) and some navy jeans (£7). I found a t-shirt in the car and I was SET. A brief fresh up at the hotel followed by a journey in the most geographically inept taxi in Leeds led me to the Arc in Headingley where the beers were already flowing. It was only a matter of time before the party decamped into the Karaoke booth, and talk turned to what the selection would be. I was determined to maintain a local influence, so was focused on a Jimmy Nail number going in. Having won the game of 5's to ensure I took my song last, I settled in to what could only be described as some variable performances.

Aussie 'Gregs' was up first and was visibly shaken by the experience and the battering he took by the lads. Logan displayed what I'm content to term an overfamiliarity with his chosen material (Take That - A Million love songs) and delivered a polished rendition. My song choice of Money for Nothing by Dire Straits proved an inspired pick, the dulcet Geordie tones piercing the room. As the night wore on the performances became somewhat fuzzy (the Coors light being blamed) and the booth began to smell like the inside of a packet of dry roasted peanuts a decision was made to return to the main bar, prior to departure to a nightclub called Halo. Drinks were £1 each. Carnage. I can't understand why Universities seem to be admitting 15 year olds these days, these young children were everywhere? Either that or youth clubs are now dishing out drinks at £1 a shot. My 6 o'clock start that morning took it's toll and I retired sometime about 1.30am. 

The drive back to Newcastle was somewhat dicey the next morning, as sleeping adjacent to a snoring Southerner does not a good nights sleep make. A great time had been had and hopefully I am able to arrange a fixture for the LCA in my native north east, and take them on a night out featuring some grown ups! 

A fitness test this week beckons to test the knee to see if I am able to compete on Saturday & Monday as the Turret face their toughest challenge of the season, with South Northumberland (2010 National Knockout winners, 2010 National T20 Runners up) on Friday in the League T20 and then on Saturday in the League, follwed by Chester le Street (2009&2010 League Champions,

2009 National Knockout winners) on Monday. This will give us a good indication of where we are as a club and hopefully a good weekend will give us a springboard from which to attack the season. 

I hope everyone is enjoying their season, Skippers feel free to send me their best cry off excuses on Twitter to @lovetheturret.

LEGEND WATCH - Alan Docherty on Sunday bowled 2 (2!) wides on Sunday, (his first since the Falklands War) in an analysis of 9-5-13-0. His seasonal economy rate is now over 1. Carnage. No wildlife were killed this week.

Excess drift caused by the wind is being attributed to causing the wides.