Wormsley might beat it?

Bad weekend for Turret cricket this weekend, well the 1’s and 2’s anyway both losing heavily to Blaydon in the league. It was particularly disappointing for the 1’s who lose their unbeaten record at the halfway stage of proceedings and now sit 5^th. All in all it has been a fine first half of the season for them with a few memorable wins. With a bit of better look with the weather (rained off/rain affected vs bottom 3) they can look to consolidate their position in the second half of the season and try and gain a top 4 finish.

As for my own troops, we lost badly despite having recovered from 118-7 to post a very healthy 214-7. I’ll gloss over my own personal 45* and the 96 run partnership shared by myself and Peter Hirst for the 8^th wicket. I’ll also not mention the six I hit that briefly appeared on the radar in the Control Tower at Newcastle Airport. (Ball was placed in a holding pattern prior to be given permission to land.) Or that it was one of 3 such mighty blows. I’d also rather not talk about how poorly we bowled (except Dan Humble and myself) and allowed Blaydon to blitz this competitive total in 40 overs. In short I have little or no interest in talking/writing about the Saturdays cricket.

This would normally leave me in a rather tricky position. However, on Sunday I was invited to play for the Northumberland Vikings vs Bamburgh Castle CC. Bamburgh Castle CC (hopefully pictured) is one of the most spectacularly beautiful grounds in the North East, if not the whole country. I am currently petitioning my paymasters at The LCA to launch a competition to find England’s best cricket ground – I think the natural beauty of Bamburgh gives it a fighting chance. (It also boasts an excellent golf course next door and several fine local pubs as well as being 300 yards from the beach, making it an ideal stop off for sides touring the North East – this information was brought to you in conjunction with the Bamburgh Tourist Board.) The quality of cricket played in this game was mixed it’s fair to say, with the Vikings triumphing by 1 wicket in the last over. I went back to a long hop and was bowled for 0 round my ankles, though to be fair the pitch had kept consistently low so I really have only myself to blame. The return journey of 48 miles took approximately 3 hours due to a detour that involved 2 country inns and a city centre Indian Restaurant. I returned to the sanctuary of Hudson Towers at 12:25 am.

However, in keeping with the nature of friendly cricket there were one or two amusing incidents. Our Number 11 (who is 17 years old) was almost timed out because he couldn’t get his shoes on. Quite how farcical this episode was can not be adequately captured by more poor prose so suffice it to say that I was left literally speechless by the actions of the young space cadet. Our other space cadet also distinguished himself by failing to back up a throw to the non strikers end because he was chasing a beach ball that had blown onto the pitch, the Jose Reina of cricket conceding 4 overthrows that delighted the bowler, a portly leg spinner named Hudson. In the interests of maintaining the LCA’s family friendly image (and also to ensure this blog makes it through a spam/security filter), it is safe to say that my reaction and subsequent vocal display is not suitable for publication here.

As the Vikings were proceeding with admirable clarity towards a crisis, talk in the dressing room turned to dressing room pranks. At Newcastle CC we enjoy these greatly, so I felt compelled to venture forth a couple of my favourites. A few years ago, I rented a flat of our opening bowler Ross McLaren. This meant Ross had a key to my flat. One night Ross was inebriated so he and the then first XI Captain felt it appropriate to venture in to my flat whilst I was asleep to cover me in Shampoo and all sorts of other crap (this is not sexual.) Having woken up and wondered what has occurred in my sleep, (checking for any bleeding or other telltale signs) I was somewhat startled to hear my front door open. The intruder (Richard Evans) was particularly surprised when he opened my bedroom door armed with a can of Immac and a Sharpie marker pen to be greeted by the sight of a 19 stone man in his boxer shorts wielding a TaylorMade Burner 6 iron. Regrettably I was unable to catch the offender. However, the next day I was able to gain access to the 1^st XI dressing room whilst the lads were in the field. Armed with only a trusty nail gun, I set about nailing the clothes of Messrs Evans and McLaren to any surface I could find in the dressing room. The sight of Richard Evans having to go home in his padman shorts made the whole experience rather worthwhile to be honest…

Another favourite, and one I strongly encourage is for the last game of the season. I find a handful of watercress seeds in a bowling boot or a jumper with a small amount of water can grow very very impressively over the close season. Indeed our Junior Co-ordinator turned up for his first net of the winter to find his jumper looking like something from the wardrobe of the Jolly Green Giant. Much hilarity ensued.

If anyone out here wishes to let me know of some good pranks I can get some of the lads with (Hirsty I’m talking to you) then please DM me with them. (I wouldn’twant the boys knowing what might be coming.) Please no boring ones, and nothing that involves permanent destruction. The more ingenious the better. Like when I stole Ross McLaren’s clothes and donated them to Oxfam in the middle of a game. The sight of Ross going in to the shop in his whites and buying his clothes back was beautiful. Likewise, if Messrs Browning and Logan get their arses into gear and organize a most beautiful ground comp, please let me know if anywhere beats Bamburgh. 

Finally, the subject of DOCHERTY WATCH. The great man decimated Hetton Lyons 3^rd XI batting line up yesterday returning 9-2-19-6 with a sustained spell of drift and guile. I am delighted to report that no animals were harmed in this match, though Docherty’s assertion that the local papers headline would be ‘Lyon cubs gunned down by veteran poacher’ did draw a concerned expression from our vegetarian Chairman.

As ever, all the best.

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